yesterday’s struggles

I am a mess. You probably already know this, but I like to pretend you don’t know, so it is only fair to warn you.

Lately, I have been struggling with things I haven’t thought about since high school. In high school, I was so insecure and always seeking everyone else’s approval.  I never got it, and the summer after senior year, God broke me down and I was stripped of anything of myself.  He made me new, he again made me His, He took my self-doubt and people pleasing away so I could have a better, fuller relationship with Him.

There we go, my Big Problem solved and wrapped with a tiny bow.

Except…

Now it’s back, and in full force.  I have no idea why these thoughts keep coming back. I am involved in a million and one things this semester, and so overcommited I feel like I can’t breathe without scheduling that into my day as well.  I am poured out, I am empty, and the devil is attacking.  He is telling me I have let everyone down.  He whispers that everyone thinks I am incompetent.  He speaks through other people telling me I am not good enough for my fiance (which is true, but….ouch).  I didn’t even realize it was him talking until last night.

Last night the devil tried to hit me in a new way, something he’s never tried before.  It was the first time I was even tipped off that I was being attacked.  That my exhaustion and insecurity was an attack and not just a personality flaw. I sat in the chapel during revival and just prayed, because I couldn’t fight for myself.  The Lord fought for me, and He won. He breathed life back into me last night.

This morning I woke up with my same usual thoughts of doubt and insecurity and exhaustion. So I asked God to claim my day. I will ask Him to claim tomorrow. A day of His victory over my pride and myself and my thoughts. He will win. He always does.

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